Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
