I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
