life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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