I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
