Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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