I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
