i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
where are you?
Hypothermia
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
