I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
