After last night, I could never be a politician.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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