I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
