I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
