Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
