I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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