I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
