I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
