when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
