i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
