I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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