It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
