I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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