I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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