Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
well you can't waste a boner
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
