My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
