I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
