I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
