When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
