I smell stomach acid.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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