i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
