The best revenge is premature balding
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
