Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
