That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
