I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
