VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
