He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
