Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
