At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
