and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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