i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
