Where are you?
In a non slutty way
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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