Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
