I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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