i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
