I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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