whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Never joke about your clitoris.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
