he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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