The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just found puke in my bra..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
