I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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