The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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