Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
