he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
