genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
