She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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